Permit the Darkness

In most cases, betrayal by those close to us is unforeseeable. You typically don’t plan for that eventuality, unless a certain form of wisdom, or flagrant paranoia has purchase in you. When it happens, it comes as a shock, as the person one trusted has now suddenly sold out their allegiance at a price – usually one that seems ridiculous to the betrayed.

There are impromptu betrayals – usually of a lesser kind, where a sudden circumstance activates dormant unhealthy beliefs or wounds, that causes the selling out of a trusted person. This occurs, for instance when one gossips about someone one loves because they feel a desire to bond with the person they are speaking to. For inclusion, another person’s dirty laundry is aired to an unworthy listener.

Far worse than these are the deep betrayals that were long in the making, without the other person having any idea of the machinations taking place in the to-be traitor.

Take for instance a long-time spouse, who has grown so outrageously bored with their lives, that fantasy begins to creep in of the thrill of being with someone else. It’s more than that of course – not just a romantic tumble, but also the beginning of a risky, adventure filled new chapter of life. Damage that can be done to their spouse and children become secondary issues.

Here is another: A dear friend envies your social standing. To everyone, including you, they are your right-hand man, and the group works really well together. Unbeknownst to you, they  have been harboring resentment because you display everything they don’t have but wish they did. Maybe you are a leader, or have the charisma they wish they had – so they remember every wrong you have ever committed, and create a picture of you that is entirely false in order to never confront their own inadequacy. Eventually they begin slandering your name everywhere.

All deep betrayals are like this. It’s built in secret over a great amount of time. The person who is betrayed is usually defenseless – as they have not had the same amount of time and emotional preparedness to defend themselves as the betrayer had to betray you. Betrayal like this is always an ambush.  And if the betrayed person is a good person, they begin a horrendous wrestling match with themselves since they are caught so off-guard.

If they are very good people, they will begin to fight to right the wrongs of the betrayer. They will hold on to their affections for that person and do their best to stem the tide of destruction the betrayer has upon everyone around them. After all, the children of the failed marriage need to be protected, the social order of a church or a group of friends should stay unified, or else everyone will take different sides, and many people will be wounded through disagreements, and false identifications.

It seems wrong as the betrayed, to have to watch everything fall apart when one is innocent. It may even feel preferrable if one HAD fault, so that at least there could be a sense of reason behind all of the chaos.

But now the darkness encroaches. Lies are being believed. Fresh cuts gape like the smiles of Satan himself in those around you. A grand conspiracy has come to fruition, and the only choice you have to mitigate it is to fight it, so you hang on to hope, as you bear as much of the pain for others as you can. For this reason, you hold on to the spouse or friend who hates you. You love them still not just because of shared history and familiarity, but also for longing of how things once were – where the ruin upon yourself and others did not exist. It’s also wrapped in a convenient justification: “loving my enemy and neighbor in this way is what Jesus would do”

Except, it’s not.

It drains you while you try to uphold order in the confusion and pain until self-esteem and and personal stature begin to get badly chipped away. You don’t realize that by trying to beat the darkness back, you have been enshrouded by it. Being true to self has been traded for an alibi of Christian moral superiority to get a life back that you cannot accept as lost.

You can’t change the betrayer’s heart. It turned black through careful step-by-step fortification and justifications. It’s a monster now. You are in its way. Trying to fix anything will just solidify you as their obstacle even further.

So you must do the ACTUAL thing Jesus did with this type of betrayal: Let the betrayal take its toll. Let the floodgates of hell destroy what it came to – and turn your attention to spurning any blame anyone tries to heap upon you, and zealously uphold the truth of who the traitor really was. Save only that which does not compromise your value and identity. Let all else burn.

The reality is this: you must bleed to get to the other side. Take the wound. Let others do the same. Let the betrayer live out their delusion, and all the hell they birth with it. Let the divorce take its course. Let the friends take sides.

Let it happen so you can let you happen.

Permit their darkness.

Jesus didn’t stop Judas’ betrayal. It would have even been wrong for him to.

But Jesus took the wounds – so Jesus could happen.

So you could happen, and learn to let happen.